This morning, I arrived at the office for my final chemo!!! I will have herceptin until March, but it is a non-toxic antibody. So, I am hoping and praying for recovery to be 'down hill' from here!!
My blood counts were really good today (even with fighting the MRSA and being in New Orleans last week!!)
My incision site looks "great" according to the oncologist!!
I will see the plastic surgeon on Thursday of this week, hoping to get the same report~
And, I think that is all for today's activities. It was an uneventful time of chemo... and I won't have to be there very long at all for the Herceptin (30-45 minutes every 3 weeks!!)
Now, to report on last week:
I WAS able to go to New Orleans with the Youth. I went and came back with everyone else, and didn't have to 'quit' early.
I learned early in the week that I HAD to take it easy/rest during the work day~ So, after we had Day Camp each day (and ate lunch) I was 'grounded' ~ I was 'allowed' to lay down in an out of the way place, put my swollen ankles up and rest for the remainder of the work day.
I also didn't go to the French Quarters on "free day" WEdnesday evening. I stayed at the church where we were staying and slept ~ and that is what got me thru the rest of the week!!
Overall, I was pleased with how much stuff I WAS able to do. I kept the gatorade coolers filled, and made it through Summer Day Camp each day.
It was hard to remember that I wasn't really able to 'do" more than that.... no power tools, or hauling trash to the dumpster, or helping demolish anything (except one tiny thing)......
God has truly kept His hand on me. There really is no reason I should have made it last week in the heat and the schedule alone. However, I did, and I did fine. I was no more tired than I have been on previous trips. I didn't only make it, I accomplished a little while I was there. Nothing that can be seen. I can't take you and show you....but I did do things!! I had decided that it was alright just to be there even if I didn't get to contribute.... but God went the extra mile... and I WAS able to contribute a little bit!!! I got misty several times being overwhelmed with just being with the group!!!
Thank you for your prayers!! I am dreading the rest of the week with this last chemo... I want it just to be easy and quick. We'll see!!!
So, in honor of this being my LAST CHEMO... I want to invite you to celebrate with me!! Have an ice cream, or piece of cake (or both), or buy yourself a little treat you've been considering.... Do something to LIVE a little.... out of the ordinary!!! Life is too short to deprive yourself!!!!
Love you all...
Until next time.....
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
MRSA, week two
Just thought I'd give a quick update on how things are going.
As you probably know, I was diagnosed last week with MRSA. At that time I was prescribed an antibiotic that I've been on and will finish at the 2 week mark.
I was told I should be able to tell a difference within a few days, and I did!!
I have been able to tolerate the antibiotics well. My stomach has not had any issues, and for that I am very thankful!!
I have had a dry incision for over a week, and the other leakage (at the drain tube site) has also stopped completely. There has been no more fluid collection in this area....
So, all signs point to being on the right track!!!!!
I am feeling much better as the days go by and have felt more like myself this week than I have in a really long time. (Which makes me think I've been fighting this infection for a while!!)
I AM going to get to go on the Youth Mission trip. We will leave this weekend... and, I am so excited!!! I am gathering stuff to do Summer Day Camp while we are there for the children in the neighborhood. So, I am excited to actually be 'doing' something after all this time!!!
I am so very thankful to have found this MRSA diagnosis, as it gives us answers to many questions that we've had for a while (3-4 months!!).
Could you please pray with me these things?
~Safety in travel for our trip to New Orleans
~Healthy people while there. It is quite hot/humid and we will be right in it all day.
~My stamina/health while we are gone.
Thanks everyone for your prayers!! I am doing really good right now!! Praying that will be the case from here on out!!!
Until next time.......
As you probably know, I was diagnosed last week with MRSA. At that time I was prescribed an antibiotic that I've been on and will finish at the 2 week mark.
I was told I should be able to tell a difference within a few days, and I did!!
I have been able to tolerate the antibiotics well. My stomach has not had any issues, and for that I am very thankful!!
I have had a dry incision for over a week, and the other leakage (at the drain tube site) has also stopped completely. There has been no more fluid collection in this area....
So, all signs point to being on the right track!!!!!
I am feeling much better as the days go by and have felt more like myself this week than I have in a really long time. (Which makes me think I've been fighting this infection for a while!!)
I AM going to get to go on the Youth Mission trip. We will leave this weekend... and, I am so excited!!! I am gathering stuff to do Summer Day Camp while we are there for the children in the neighborhood. So, I am excited to actually be 'doing' something after all this time!!!
I am so very thankful to have found this MRSA diagnosis, as it gives us answers to many questions that we've had for a while (3-4 months!!).
Could you please pray with me these things?
~Safety in travel for our trip to New Orleans
~Healthy people while there. It is quite hot/humid and we will be right in it all day.
~My stamina/health while we are gone.
Thanks everyone for your prayers!! I am doing really good right now!! Praying that will be the case from here on out!!!
Until next time.......
Monday, June 14, 2010
Just kidding....
About what you may ask? I really did NOT have my last chemo today!! That is a good thing! Why you ask? Because I GOT SOME ANSWERS TODAY!!!!
As you may recall, there was fluid retention on the left side last week and the fluid drawn from the area was sent to the lab for diagnosis. The Plastic Surgeon's office called just as I was walking into the oncologist office this morning. The results showed that I have MRSA. Generally this would not be such encouraging words, however, I am elated!!
This gives answers to several questions!! The fluid retention since the time of the expander removal, has for sure been caused by this infection!! YAY!!! Finally, and answer to 'why'!!!!!! This also COULD explain many of the weeks of fluid issues over time before the expander was removed, as well. There is no way to know for sure, because none of that fluid was actually sent to the lab. BUT, it makes a LOT of sense!! (I won't bore you with all the details.)
Along with the report from the lab with the diagnosis; it gave a 'sensitivity list' which is what shows exactly what medications my particular strand will respond to! So; I am on a 2 week regimen of antibiotics that is known to take care of me!! (Orally!! They talked about doing a 2 week IV regimen, and thank the Lord, this pill is just as effective!!)
Obviously, the chemo and the infection were not a safe mix; so the oncologist has decided to put it off for 3 weeks. She assured me that it would not hinder the effectiveness of the 6 treatments with this one being later.
This has been a great day!!!! No,having MRSA is not a great thing. No, having to put off my chemo is not a great thing.
BUT... I have AN ANSWER!!!!!! THAT is a GREAT thing!!!! We now know what is wrong, and we can MOVE FORWARD!! This is the first time in a LONG time that I have felt like we were moving forward..... so, this has been a GREAT day......
Here is also why this was such a great day.....
I have probably mentioned that I have been so torn up about the fact that perhaps I would not be able to participate in either the YOuth mission trip to New Orleans or the Centrifuge trip. That has just absolutely TORN ME UP.
NOT that I feel I am an invaluable resource, BUT.... seeing kids work their hiney's off; and know WHY they are.... then, to see them get off the bus looking for God to move.... THAT is why I have been so torn up!! It is the most precious thing in the world!!! And, I could not stand the thoughts of missing it.
So, because of this infection and not having chemo, I have been CLEARED to go on the New Orleans trip if I want to. As long as this medication can be tolerated; it should take care of the infection. So... that is HUGE answer to prayer.
Also, my next (and last) chemo will now be July 6 (just after we return from New Orleans) ~ good timing, huh?
The week after chemo (july 12) is Centrifuge. I am wondering if at that point, the last treatment will not be as hard to get over since I"ve had a 'break'...AND, I won't be fighting an infection!!!!! So; hmmm.... God orchestrated a break to give my body some time to heal. Again.... good timing, huh??
So, the very thing that I thought God was allowing to happen that would keep from these precious events are the very thing that He has used to orchestrate my being able to participate!!!!
In my post early this morning; I spoke of the range of emotions I have experienced. I also talked about God's timing vs. my timing. Guess He showed me, huh??
This day has been a great day!!!!
Thank you all for your prayers today!! I really was concerned that I would come home yet again with no answers..... God showed off!!
I am now praying that I will be able to tolerate this medication and that it will do it's job!!
Until next time..... Dare to live like you know Him!!!!
As you may recall, there was fluid retention on the left side last week and the fluid drawn from the area was sent to the lab for diagnosis. The Plastic Surgeon's office called just as I was walking into the oncologist office this morning. The results showed that I have MRSA. Generally this would not be such encouraging words, however, I am elated!!
This gives answers to several questions!! The fluid retention since the time of the expander removal, has for sure been caused by this infection!! YAY!!! Finally, and answer to 'why'!!!!!! This also COULD explain many of the weeks of fluid issues over time before the expander was removed, as well. There is no way to know for sure, because none of that fluid was actually sent to the lab. BUT, it makes a LOT of sense!! (I won't bore you with all the details.)
Along with the report from the lab with the diagnosis; it gave a 'sensitivity list' which is what shows exactly what medications my particular strand will respond to! So; I am on a 2 week regimen of antibiotics that is known to take care of me!! (Orally!! They talked about doing a 2 week IV regimen, and thank the Lord, this pill is just as effective!!)
Obviously, the chemo and the infection were not a safe mix; so the oncologist has decided to put it off for 3 weeks. She assured me that it would not hinder the effectiveness of the 6 treatments with this one being later.
This has been a great day!!!! No,having MRSA is not a great thing. No, having to put off my chemo is not a great thing.
BUT... I have AN ANSWER!!!!!! THAT is a GREAT thing!!!! We now know what is wrong, and we can MOVE FORWARD!! This is the first time in a LONG time that I have felt like we were moving forward..... so, this has been a GREAT day......
Here is also why this was such a great day.....
I have probably mentioned that I have been so torn up about the fact that perhaps I would not be able to participate in either the YOuth mission trip to New Orleans or the Centrifuge trip. That has just absolutely TORN ME UP.
NOT that I feel I am an invaluable resource, BUT.... seeing kids work their hiney's off; and know WHY they are.... then, to see them get off the bus looking for God to move.... THAT is why I have been so torn up!! It is the most precious thing in the world!!! And, I could not stand the thoughts of missing it.
So, because of this infection and not having chemo, I have been CLEARED to go on the New Orleans trip if I want to. As long as this medication can be tolerated; it should take care of the infection. So... that is HUGE answer to prayer.
Also, my next (and last) chemo will now be July 6 (just after we return from New Orleans) ~ good timing, huh?
The week after chemo (july 12) is Centrifuge. I am wondering if at that point, the last treatment will not be as hard to get over since I"ve had a 'break'...AND, I won't be fighting an infection!!!!! So; hmmm.... God orchestrated a break to give my body some time to heal. Again.... good timing, huh??
So, the very thing that I thought God was allowing to happen that would keep from these precious events are the very thing that He has used to orchestrate my being able to participate!!!!
In my post early this morning; I spoke of the range of emotions I have experienced. I also talked about God's timing vs. my timing. Guess He showed me, huh??
This day has been a great day!!!!
Thank you all for your prayers today!! I really was concerned that I would come home yet again with no answers..... God showed off!!
I am now praying that I will be able to tolerate this medication and that it will do it's job!!
Until next time..... Dare to live like you know Him!!!!
LAST CHEMO!!!!! WOOO HOOO........
Hey Everyone!!
Today is THE day!! In just a few hours I will report for my LAST, yes I did say LAST chemo treatment!! YIPEE!!!!!!! I have wondered at times if this day would EVER come. It has!! One more day is His-story, I am counting on!!
Please let me clarify the treatment from here.
I will continue to take a drug at the chemo center that is called Herceptin. It is an antibody that teaches my body to fight the protein my cancer fed off of. I will do it the total of a year, and the beginning of March will mark that timeline. It is a non-toxic drug and has no side effects, if I understand correctly. Even if it does have them, they aren't nearly as bad as chemo!! :0)
I will also have at least 2 more surgeries and many more appointments with the plastic surgeon. One surgery to replace the tissue expander that had to be removed. The many appointments will be to fill the expanders. The 2nd surgery will be to replace the temporary implants with the permanent ones. These surgeries will depend on several factors.
The first surgery has to wait until the fluid production issue has 'settled down' some. (Yes. I am STILL producing fluid in the left side; and the incision area has not stopped leaking. In addition, I have sprung a new leak at the site where the drain tube was. This has just happened in the last couple of days. Neither place has slowed down any, and actually has gotten worse. I have an appointment this afternoon with the Plastic Surgeon. HOPEFULLY, we can get some answers then.)
Hopefully, this last treatment will mean the worst is behind me. The chemo causes my body to heal more slowly, therefore, I am in the boat I am in! (Sometimes I think I am going to need a boat if I keep leaking/producing fluid!!)
I have several big questions for both the Oncologist and the Plastic surgeon today.
~THoughts on going for part of the week for our Youth Mission trip coming up.
~Can we PLEASE find out WHY (with nothing to aggravate) I keep producing/collecting/leaking fluid. (So far, there has been no apparent cause, nor has she been able to see anything that would cause this)
~Can we go ahead and schedule surgery (even if we have to postpone, could we just get it on the schedule?)
~What did lab results show?
I am praying for BIG answers!! (They are big questions... to me, at least!!)
I have become more and more discouraged the week as this fluid issue does not seem to resolve itself. I have tried being still, doesn't help. Tried being more active; doesn't help. I have also been really sore; which hasn't happened in this area is quite some time!! That is a little worrisome. For once, I am praying the cause of all this trouble has been an infection. That would at least be a reason, and hopefully, a solution!! I'll hopefully find out later today.
As you know I've asked you to pray for several weeks (months?) for this fluid issue to be resolved 'immediately and permanently" and I've prayed the same thing. Seems that our Father is being completely silent on this, and that is discouraging. It can be very discouraging.... He knows my heart; He KNOWS my heart is with teenagers.... especially in the summer time!! He knows I have tried to be still... both physically and before Him. (Didn't say I'd done a good job; or that I've been still enough!!) He knows that I have done what the doctors have said. He knows I've been patient, for the most part (Who is patient 24/7? I'd like to meet them!! Apparently, I need some lessons!!!) He knows these things, yet remains silent.
This can be confusing and frustrating!! There are many verses that tell us to cry out to Him. Bring our requests before Him with boldness (confidence). Ask in His name. He will give us the desires of our heart. I could go on.
~There are those who would try to convince me that my faith is not strong enough. I don't believe that.
~There are those who would try to tell me I'm not aligned with God's will for my life. Not sure I would buy that, either. (NOT that I am perfectly aligned (no one is)... and not that I'm perfect. But, right now, in this situation, I have tried and believe I have aligned myself with my Father.) ~There are those who would say that my issues are small, I shouldn't bother God with them. Don't buy that. He loves me and cares about the smallest detail in my life! He knows how many hairs on my head (which right now ins't a real big number!! haahaa)
So, why the silence? That is the confusing/frustrating part!! I realize that by praying the right way, or saying the right things, or even having a heart after His own heart, is in no way obligating Him to answer me in my timing. I am getting a huge lesson in "His ways are not my ways, and His timing is not mine!!"..... simple as that.
Don't get me wrong. I have seen Him work in MIGHTY ways.... He has protected my body in ways I will not know this side of Heaven. I have gotten a glimpse of what some people have endured on the same chemo regimen I am on. I have had it EASY compared to lots of people. My blood counts have stayed good (relatively, compared to what they could have done). I have had NO serious complications due to chemo. I have been able to have each treatment on time and endured them fairly well. Up until last week, there has been NO infection with this fluid issue. (even with a compromised immune system) I have not had to isolate myself due to low blood counts!! (THank the LORD... I LOVE PEOPLE). There was no cancer found in any of the lymph nodes at the time of surgery!! There is NO cancer in my body at this time!! I have a great support system in my little family. They have taken such good care of me, and at the same time been as 'normal" as possible!! (however normal that is with the MIllers) I am able to care for myself, even during chemo week (Chris doesn't let me much, but if I have to, I can!!) I have SOOOO much to be thankful for, and I am so very thankful. But, the specific thing I request.... silence. Hmmmm.... that is about all I can say!!
I heard a very hard sermon on PATIENCE last night.... NOOOOO NOT THE "P" WORD!!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!! I HAVE been patient. I haven't complained. (except a little here and there... but really, I haven't) I have tried to be very careful to remember that God has already gone before me and KNOWS I"m gonna be alright; or the outcome of this stupid fluid thing. And, I do believe that with all my heart!! I know that He is capable of doing what ever HE wants to. I never asked him to take this cancer away so I wouldn't have to endure this, but told HIm it would be alright if HE wanted to, I knew He could. When He didn't, I still trusted Him. I've NEVER stopped trusting that He has this COMPLETELY under control. But just when I am out of the "P" word.... He hits me with it? So, now He decides to speak? If you think God doesn't have a sense of humor... here is your proof!! Haa haa.... Enough about that.
Just before hearing this sermon.... I seemed to be prompted to make a list of emotions I've experienced in the last 7 months since this journey began. I was a little surprised at the extent of the list. I'll try to re-create it for you:
fear; doubt; joy; thankfulness; frustration; pain (emotional); lonliness; overwhelmed; humility; anger; denial; insecurity; disappointment; guilt I'm sure there are more, but I can't think of them right now.
I could explain situations for each of these on the list, but I would not dare bore you with that!!
You may now ask this question.... "Does a Believer in Jesus REALLY experience this range of emotions and still say they are a Believer?" My answer to that is ABSOLUTELY!!!! THere are people all throughout the Bible that experienced these same things!!! A few that come to mind are: Moses; David; Job; The disciples; Paul; Jesus Esther; and the list could go on and on. The Scriptures are full of them!!
So, my question is this: Why, in todays American Christian society, do we convince ourselves that we aren't 'right' if we experience any of these 'negative' emotions? And, for Heaven's sake, why do we teach others this? It is simply stupid!! We have convinced ourselves that we must NEVER question or feel negative emotions. NOT TRUE... we are HUMAN!! Where does the Bible teach that all Christians are to be emotionless people? IT DOES NOT!!! We have lost our ability to express emotions, therefore, we have lost our PASSION.
Now, let me clarify. I listed a whole range of emotions. SOme positive, some negative. I do NOT believe that we need to camp out with negative emotions!! This can cause some real problems. If you look thru the scriptures, these folks experienced some of these negative emotions, however, they didn't LIVE there!!! There are also examples of those who did decide to live there. (Of course, none of those names are coming to mind...) I can tell you that I'm about 99.99% positive that those who decided to live in these negative emotions were NOT used in a mighty way by God!! So it is a conscious choice we MUST make!! Wallow in our self pity; or get up; brush ourself off and go on. (and I believe this is a focus issue. When we take the focus from us and our circumstances, and place it on the One and only Jesus Christ, it is hard to have such long term negative emotions!!)
Having said this, I will now say: I think we are ALL passionate about something. Some of us are passionate about our job; our kids; our toys; our social life and the list goes on. Some are even passionate about wallowing in these negative emotions!! What gets me is the fact that our churches are FILLED with people like this. These people CLAIM to love Jesus and claim Him as their Savior, but live in defeat instead of victory. There is a book that I will read soon, hopefully, entitled, "Christian Atheist"..... let that name sink in...... Our churches are FILLED with "Christians" who claim to know Christ but live as he doesn't exist. IS THAT YOU???
When you say you believe Jesus is your savior, do you live it? Do you take Him at His Word? Start small. He will prove Himself!! Start right now!! He is right there!! What is one thing you want to believe Him for? Do you really believe He wants what is best for you? HE DOES!! Do you really believe he doesn't understand what your suffering is like? Read about his crucifixion.
When I began this post, I talked about I felt God was being silent, and I still do. Please do not misunderstand what I am saying. Silent does NOT mean ABSENT. I KNOW that my Jesus is with me. I know that the Comforter is interceding on my behalf. I know that my Father IS the Great Physician and all He has to do is say the word, and I'm healed... just like that!! I just know that there is not movement in the specific situation that is the biggest to me at this point. THis does NOT mean He isn't working. I AM believing HIM. I am TRUSTING Him. I am holding on to scriptures that He brings to mind. He IS "I AM".... He is the way, the truth and the light. He IS at work around me and in me. There is NO doubt about and there never has been. (The doubt I listed above had nothing to do with doubting who He is!!)
So, that was a lot to post. Didn't mean for it to be so long, but I think it has been important. My prayer for you this day is that no matter your circumstances; you will live like you KNOW Him. If you don't know Him, you can't live like you do!! So, settle first things first. If you don't know Him and want to, send me a message. We'll get that settled!! (ckmiller5@gmail.com)
If you CLAIM to know Him, then Live like you do!!! Find those promises. Talk to Him. TRUST him. Let HIM be God and you be the child. Let HIM be in control of those finances; jobs; family situations; diseases. Doesn't mean you can't have those emotions I talked about. It DOES mean that no matter what, when the rubber meets the road, you TRUST him and let HIM be in control!!!!
I dare you.......
And, I want to hear!! What are you trusting HIm with today? How has this challenged you? Is this you I'm talking about? Are you the one living like you don't know HIm? How has he shown himself mighty in your life? What do you struggle with? Are you living in a sea of negative emotions?
Today is THE day!! In just a few hours I will report for my LAST, yes I did say LAST chemo treatment!! YIPEE!!!!!!! I have wondered at times if this day would EVER come. It has!! One more day is His-story, I am counting on!!
Please let me clarify the treatment from here.
I will continue to take a drug at the chemo center that is called Herceptin. It is an antibody that teaches my body to fight the protein my cancer fed off of. I will do it the total of a year, and the beginning of March will mark that timeline. It is a non-toxic drug and has no side effects, if I understand correctly. Even if it does have them, they aren't nearly as bad as chemo!! :0)
I will also have at least 2 more surgeries and many more appointments with the plastic surgeon. One surgery to replace the tissue expander that had to be removed. The many appointments will be to fill the expanders. The 2nd surgery will be to replace the temporary implants with the permanent ones. These surgeries will depend on several factors.
The first surgery has to wait until the fluid production issue has 'settled down' some. (Yes. I am STILL producing fluid in the left side; and the incision area has not stopped leaking. In addition, I have sprung a new leak at the site where the drain tube was. This has just happened in the last couple of days. Neither place has slowed down any, and actually has gotten worse. I have an appointment this afternoon with the Plastic Surgeon. HOPEFULLY, we can get some answers then.)
Hopefully, this last treatment will mean the worst is behind me. The chemo causes my body to heal more slowly, therefore, I am in the boat I am in! (Sometimes I think I am going to need a boat if I keep leaking/producing fluid!!)
I have several big questions for both the Oncologist and the Plastic surgeon today.
~THoughts on going for part of the week for our Youth Mission trip coming up.
~Can we PLEASE find out WHY (with nothing to aggravate) I keep producing/collecting/leaking fluid. (So far, there has been no apparent cause, nor has she been able to see anything that would cause this)
~Can we go ahead and schedule surgery (even if we have to postpone, could we just get it on the schedule?)
~What did lab results show?
I am praying for BIG answers!! (They are big questions... to me, at least!!)
I have become more and more discouraged the week as this fluid issue does not seem to resolve itself. I have tried being still, doesn't help. Tried being more active; doesn't help. I have also been really sore; which hasn't happened in this area is quite some time!! That is a little worrisome. For once, I am praying the cause of all this trouble has been an infection. That would at least be a reason, and hopefully, a solution!! I'll hopefully find out later today.
As you know I've asked you to pray for several weeks (months?) for this fluid issue to be resolved 'immediately and permanently" and I've prayed the same thing. Seems that our Father is being completely silent on this, and that is discouraging. It can be very discouraging.... He knows my heart; He KNOWS my heart is with teenagers.... especially in the summer time!! He knows I have tried to be still... both physically and before Him. (Didn't say I'd done a good job; or that I've been still enough!!) He knows that I have done what the doctors have said. He knows I've been patient, for the most part (Who is patient 24/7? I'd like to meet them!! Apparently, I need some lessons!!!) He knows these things, yet remains silent.
This can be confusing and frustrating!! There are many verses that tell us to cry out to Him. Bring our requests before Him with boldness (confidence). Ask in His name. He will give us the desires of our heart. I could go on.
~There are those who would try to convince me that my faith is not strong enough. I don't believe that.
~There are those who would try to tell me I'm not aligned with God's will for my life. Not sure I would buy that, either. (NOT that I am perfectly aligned (no one is)... and not that I'm perfect. But, right now, in this situation, I have tried and believe I have aligned myself with my Father.) ~There are those who would say that my issues are small, I shouldn't bother God with them. Don't buy that. He loves me and cares about the smallest detail in my life! He knows how many hairs on my head (which right now ins't a real big number!! haahaa)
So, why the silence? That is the confusing/frustrating part!! I realize that by praying the right way, or saying the right things, or even having a heart after His own heart, is in no way obligating Him to answer me in my timing. I am getting a huge lesson in "His ways are not my ways, and His timing is not mine!!"..... simple as that.
Don't get me wrong. I have seen Him work in MIGHTY ways.... He has protected my body in ways I will not know this side of Heaven. I have gotten a glimpse of what some people have endured on the same chemo regimen I am on. I have had it EASY compared to lots of people. My blood counts have stayed good (relatively, compared to what they could have done). I have had NO serious complications due to chemo. I have been able to have each treatment on time and endured them fairly well. Up until last week, there has been NO infection with this fluid issue. (even with a compromised immune system) I have not had to isolate myself due to low blood counts!! (THank the LORD... I LOVE PEOPLE). There was no cancer found in any of the lymph nodes at the time of surgery!! There is NO cancer in my body at this time!! I have a great support system in my little family. They have taken such good care of me, and at the same time been as 'normal" as possible!! (however normal that is with the MIllers) I am able to care for myself, even during chemo week (Chris doesn't let me much, but if I have to, I can!!) I have SOOOO much to be thankful for, and I am so very thankful. But, the specific thing I request.... silence. Hmmmm.... that is about all I can say!!
I heard a very hard sermon on PATIENCE last night.... NOOOOO NOT THE "P" WORD!!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!! I HAVE been patient. I haven't complained. (except a little here and there... but really, I haven't) I have tried to be very careful to remember that God has already gone before me and KNOWS I"m gonna be alright; or the outcome of this stupid fluid thing. And, I do believe that with all my heart!! I know that He is capable of doing what ever HE wants to. I never asked him to take this cancer away so I wouldn't have to endure this, but told HIm it would be alright if HE wanted to, I knew He could. When He didn't, I still trusted Him. I've NEVER stopped trusting that He has this COMPLETELY under control. But just when I am out of the "P" word.... He hits me with it? So, now He decides to speak? If you think God doesn't have a sense of humor... here is your proof!! Haa haa.... Enough about that.
Just before hearing this sermon.... I seemed to be prompted to make a list of emotions I've experienced in the last 7 months since this journey began. I was a little surprised at the extent of the list. I'll try to re-create it for you:
fear; doubt; joy; thankfulness; frustration; pain (emotional); lonliness; overwhelmed; humility; anger; denial; insecurity; disappointment; guilt I'm sure there are more, but I can't think of them right now.
I could explain situations for each of these on the list, but I would not dare bore you with that!!
You may now ask this question.... "Does a Believer in Jesus REALLY experience this range of emotions and still say they are a Believer?" My answer to that is ABSOLUTELY!!!! THere are people all throughout the Bible that experienced these same things!!! A few that come to mind are: Moses; David; Job; The disciples; Paul; Jesus Esther; and the list could go on and on. The Scriptures are full of them!!
So, my question is this: Why, in todays American Christian society, do we convince ourselves that we aren't 'right' if we experience any of these 'negative' emotions? And, for Heaven's sake, why do we teach others this? It is simply stupid!! We have convinced ourselves that we must NEVER question or feel negative emotions. NOT TRUE... we are HUMAN!! Where does the Bible teach that all Christians are to be emotionless people? IT DOES NOT!!! We have lost our ability to express emotions, therefore, we have lost our PASSION.
Now, let me clarify. I listed a whole range of emotions. SOme positive, some negative. I do NOT believe that we need to camp out with negative emotions!! This can cause some real problems. If you look thru the scriptures, these folks experienced some of these negative emotions, however, they didn't LIVE there!!! There are also examples of those who did decide to live there. (Of course, none of those names are coming to mind...) I can tell you that I'm about 99.99% positive that those who decided to live in these negative emotions were NOT used in a mighty way by God!! So it is a conscious choice we MUST make!! Wallow in our self pity; or get up; brush ourself off and go on. (and I believe this is a focus issue. When we take the focus from us and our circumstances, and place it on the One and only Jesus Christ, it is hard to have such long term negative emotions!!)
Having said this, I will now say: I think we are ALL passionate about something. Some of us are passionate about our job; our kids; our toys; our social life and the list goes on. Some are even passionate about wallowing in these negative emotions!! What gets me is the fact that our churches are FILLED with people like this. These people CLAIM to love Jesus and claim Him as their Savior, but live in defeat instead of victory. There is a book that I will read soon, hopefully, entitled, "Christian Atheist"..... let that name sink in...... Our churches are FILLED with "Christians" who claim to know Christ but live as he doesn't exist. IS THAT YOU???
When you say you believe Jesus is your savior, do you live it? Do you take Him at His Word? Start small. He will prove Himself!! Start right now!! He is right there!! What is one thing you want to believe Him for? Do you really believe He wants what is best for you? HE DOES!! Do you really believe he doesn't understand what your suffering is like? Read about his crucifixion.
When I began this post, I talked about I felt God was being silent, and I still do. Please do not misunderstand what I am saying. Silent does NOT mean ABSENT. I KNOW that my Jesus is with me. I know that the Comforter is interceding on my behalf. I know that my Father IS the Great Physician and all He has to do is say the word, and I'm healed... just like that!! I just know that there is not movement in the specific situation that is the biggest to me at this point. THis does NOT mean He isn't working. I AM believing HIM. I am TRUSTING Him. I am holding on to scriptures that He brings to mind. He IS "I AM".... He is the way, the truth and the light. He IS at work around me and in me. There is NO doubt about and there never has been. (The doubt I listed above had nothing to do with doubting who He is!!)
So, that was a lot to post. Didn't mean for it to be so long, but I think it has been important. My prayer for you this day is that no matter your circumstances; you will live like you KNOW Him. If you don't know Him, you can't live like you do!! So, settle first things first. If you don't know Him and want to, send me a message. We'll get that settled!! (ckmiller5@gmail.com)
If you CLAIM to know Him, then Live like you do!!! Find those promises. Talk to Him. TRUST him. Let HIM be God and you be the child. Let HIM be in control of those finances; jobs; family situations; diseases. Doesn't mean you can't have those emotions I talked about. It DOES mean that no matter what, when the rubber meets the road, you TRUST him and let HIM be in control!!!!
I dare you.......
And, I want to hear!! What are you trusting HIm with today? How has this challenged you? Is this you I'm talking about? Are you the one living like you don't know HIm? How has he shown himself mighty in your life? What do you struggle with? Are you living in a sea of negative emotions?
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Summertime....
Hello all,
Just some thoughts about this particular summer.... First, let me tell you how my summer usually goes: Mission trip; Centrifuge; Family Vacation; gardening and just some heavy duty playing. Summertime usually is a busy, but very fun and refreshing time for me.
This year, summertime will be different!!
Physically, I don't think I will be strong enough to do the things I am used to doing. Still trying to decide what to do about the New Orleans trip; and know that Centrifuge (a Youth camp) will probably be out of the question. I know that physically, I must 'take care' of myself. But, what does that really mean? Does it mean sit out and miss the life that is going around me? Does it mean give in to a little tiredness? Does it mean if I feel like it GO? So much that is up in the air!!
Emotionally, it is very difficult for me to admit that I really probably will miss both trips this summer, along with gardening and the other things that we 'do' each year. We've been in Blairsville for 11 years.... and for 11 years I've gone on youth trips each summer. Even when the children were much smaller and it made sense to stay home, I went!!
This summer will also be different than any other because of this stupid battle with breast cancer. June 14, I will FINISH chemo!! (I will continue the drug Herceptin until March.) I also will (hopefully) have surgery the week of July 5. (THis will be to replace the tissue expander (implant) that had to be removed earlier). So, I have different things to tend to this year. Just not the things I'd LIKE to be tending to!!
On top of these things to ponder; I have begun collecting fluid on the same left side again. I have been drain tube free for 2 glorious weeks, and in just a few short days have begun to produce fluid again. Not sure what she (the dr.) will do about that, or how it will affect upcoming surgery. I have an appointment Monday, June 7. I'll know more then! I should also find out about surgery at this same appointment.
So.... I"m not quite sure what I am supposed to learn from all this. I have tried to be quiet; tried to listen; tried to do what I'm told. It seems that I have taken 2 steps forward and at least 3 steps back for quite some time!! And, basically, I am just ready for this to be OVER!!!!!
Please do not get me wrong. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am thankful!! This battle could be a LOT worse, and I realize that. I have not been sick; I have a very good prognosis; I have a great support system; the end is in sight (well, with chemo anyway); and many other things. I am very thankful and remind myself constantly of other battles I hear about that are much worse than mine!! But it is still discouraging sometimes.... and this happens to be one of those times.
So, let me encourage you to LIVE LIFE!! If you have an opportunity to do something... DO IT. You just never know if you will have another chance or not!! We are not promised tomorrow! It is easy to get caught up in the routine of 'life' but are we really living when we do that? When is the last time you decided to meet up with friends and not mow the yard? Or, what if your kids ask you to play a game... are you too busy? What about a trip you've been wanting to take? What is stopping you? Is there someone you are angry with? Do you remember why? How about stopping for no reason and getting an ice cream? WHy not? Dessert first? OF COURSE!!!
LIVE YOUR LIFE this week. Take your head out of the routine and do something out of the ordinary that is fun!! Life is too short not to!!!!!
Until next time.......
Just some thoughts about this particular summer.... First, let me tell you how my summer usually goes: Mission trip; Centrifuge; Family Vacation; gardening and just some heavy duty playing. Summertime usually is a busy, but very fun and refreshing time for me.
This year, summertime will be different!!
Physically, I don't think I will be strong enough to do the things I am used to doing. Still trying to decide what to do about the New Orleans trip; and know that Centrifuge (a Youth camp) will probably be out of the question. I know that physically, I must 'take care' of myself. But, what does that really mean? Does it mean sit out and miss the life that is going around me? Does it mean give in to a little tiredness? Does it mean if I feel like it GO? So much that is up in the air!!
Emotionally, it is very difficult for me to admit that I really probably will miss both trips this summer, along with gardening and the other things that we 'do' each year. We've been in Blairsville for 11 years.... and for 11 years I've gone on youth trips each summer. Even when the children were much smaller and it made sense to stay home, I went!!
This summer will also be different than any other because of this stupid battle with breast cancer. June 14, I will FINISH chemo!! (I will continue the drug Herceptin until March.) I also will (hopefully) have surgery the week of July 5. (THis will be to replace the tissue expander (implant) that had to be removed earlier). So, I have different things to tend to this year. Just not the things I'd LIKE to be tending to!!
On top of these things to ponder; I have begun collecting fluid on the same left side again. I have been drain tube free for 2 glorious weeks, and in just a few short days have begun to produce fluid again. Not sure what she (the dr.) will do about that, or how it will affect upcoming surgery. I have an appointment Monday, June 7. I'll know more then! I should also find out about surgery at this same appointment.
So.... I"m not quite sure what I am supposed to learn from all this. I have tried to be quiet; tried to listen; tried to do what I'm told. It seems that I have taken 2 steps forward and at least 3 steps back for quite some time!! And, basically, I am just ready for this to be OVER!!!!!
Please do not get me wrong. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am thankful!! This battle could be a LOT worse, and I realize that. I have not been sick; I have a very good prognosis; I have a great support system; the end is in sight (well, with chemo anyway); and many other things. I am very thankful and remind myself constantly of other battles I hear about that are much worse than mine!! But it is still discouraging sometimes.... and this happens to be one of those times.
So, let me encourage you to LIVE LIFE!! If you have an opportunity to do something... DO IT. You just never know if you will have another chance or not!! We are not promised tomorrow! It is easy to get caught up in the routine of 'life' but are we really living when we do that? When is the last time you decided to meet up with friends and not mow the yard? Or, what if your kids ask you to play a game... are you too busy? What about a trip you've been wanting to take? What is stopping you? Is there someone you are angry with? Do you remember why? How about stopping for no reason and getting an ice cream? WHy not? Dessert first? OF COURSE!!!
LIVE YOUR LIFE this week. Take your head out of the routine and do something out of the ordinary that is fun!! Life is too short not to!!!!!
Until next time.......
Monday, May 24, 2010
A Day of HISTORY....
Good evening everyone;
Just a quick update on the events of the day!!
Chemo #5 was today! That is significant because I now have ONLY ONE MORE.... so, Chemo #5 is HISTORY!!!! Yaayyyyy!!
I was talking to a friend at church yesterday telling her that I especially dreaded this round for some reason. Not sure why. Could be because the last one really got me... and they say it will get worse with each treatment. She said she is praying for me to be 'abnormal' (like I"m not already!!). She is praying for the treatments to become easier instead of harder on my body. She is praying for little to no side effects; and for speedy recovery.
Please join her!! There is a special event that I REALLLLYYYYY want to attend this weekend; and if this treatment is like the last one, I am so afraid I will miss it!!!!
Another exciting event today was that my drain tube also became HISTORY!!!! As you know, I've had leakage issues for a lot of the time since my surgery. I've had a drain tube for about a month. The fluid output has been very active; until the middle of last week, it began to slow down steadily. This morning before my dr. appointment, there was hardly any fluid output from over night. By the time I got to the doctor this afternoon, there wasn't hardly ANY fluid!!!! So; she removed the tube!! So; for the first time in a LONG while.... I am leak and tube FREEEEEE YAY!!!!!
My incision is healing well and the drain tube site seems to be doing well after the removal!!
Another exciting thing today is this: It seems that we are going to shoot for surgery the week of July 5. This will be to replace the tissue expander that had to be removed 3 weeks ago. AND (this is the exciting part)... she said there was no reason I couldn't go to the BEACH!!!!! YYYEEEE HAAAAAAA :)
As you can tell; things are doing/healing well. I go back in 2 weeks just for her to make sure there is no fluid building up, etc. After that, not real sure if I'll see her much before time for surgery.
Thank you, dear friends for your prayer support!! could not have made it this far without you!!
While we look at the word HISTORY as something that has happened in the past, and rightly so, we probably need to add a hyphen... HIS-STORY.... today has been a day of several HIS-STORIES.... Thank the LORD he is writing His story in my life!!!!
What story is HE writing in yours??? If he isn't; or you can't really tell, ask HIm!!
Until next time......
Just a quick update on the events of the day!!
Chemo #5 was today! That is significant because I now have ONLY ONE MORE.... so, Chemo #5 is HISTORY!!!! Yaayyyyy!!
I was talking to a friend at church yesterday telling her that I especially dreaded this round for some reason. Not sure why. Could be because the last one really got me... and they say it will get worse with each treatment. She said she is praying for me to be 'abnormal' (like I"m not already!!). She is praying for the treatments to become easier instead of harder on my body. She is praying for little to no side effects; and for speedy recovery.
Please join her!! There is a special event that I REALLLLYYYYY want to attend this weekend; and if this treatment is like the last one, I am so afraid I will miss it!!!!
Another exciting event today was that my drain tube also became HISTORY!!!! As you know, I've had leakage issues for a lot of the time since my surgery. I've had a drain tube for about a month. The fluid output has been very active; until the middle of last week, it began to slow down steadily. This morning before my dr. appointment, there was hardly any fluid output from over night. By the time I got to the doctor this afternoon, there wasn't hardly ANY fluid!!!! So; she removed the tube!! So; for the first time in a LONG while.... I am leak and tube FREEEEEE YAY!!!!!
My incision is healing well and the drain tube site seems to be doing well after the removal!!
Another exciting thing today is this: It seems that we are going to shoot for surgery the week of July 5. This will be to replace the tissue expander that had to be removed 3 weeks ago. AND (this is the exciting part)... she said there was no reason I couldn't go to the BEACH!!!!! YYYEEEE HAAAAAAA :)
As you can tell; things are doing/healing well. I go back in 2 weeks just for her to make sure there is no fluid building up, etc. After that, not real sure if I'll see her much before time for surgery.
Thank you, dear friends for your prayer support!! could not have made it this far without you!!
While we look at the word HISTORY as something that has happened in the past, and rightly so, we probably need to add a hyphen... HIS-STORY.... today has been a day of several HIS-STORIES.... Thank the LORD he is writing His story in my life!!!!
What story is HE writing in yours??? If he isn't; or you can't really tell, ask HIm!!
Until next time......
Monday, May 10, 2010
Update from DR Visit, and stuff
Good evening everyone,
Hope your MOnday was a good one.... well, as good as Mondays can be!!
I returned to school today and had a really good day. Got lots of hugs, smiles and encouragement!! I was, however, VERY tired; but I'll go to bed very early tonight. Apparently, I am going back again tomorrow!! :)
Being my first day back, I left early for an appointment with the Plastic Surgeon. It was a really good visit. I still have the drain tube; but it isn't hurting/bothersome as much today. It will remain 'in' until the amount of fluid drops considerably.
She did remove the stitches from my incision. She was very thorough and sees NO signs of infection and is not expecting to, just making sure. She feels like we did the right thing, and I"m sure I agree with her! (Or, will eventually).
The really 'exciting' thing is: I don't have to see her again for TWO weeks!! I think this is the first time since mid February that I've not been every single week!!! YAY!! I do not have to make a trip to Atlanta in the middle of such the busy week next week with graduation activities!!
THANK YOU ALL for the prayers, words of encouragement and just loving me!! I am overwhelmed with the number of people who are fighting alongside me.
Please continue to pray for healing and good progress. This fluid NEEDS to slow WAY down before I can remove this drain tube, and THEN I think I will feel MUCH better!!
I also ask you continue to pray for my energy level!! I am 'plum tuckered' after the long day I've had, and will probably go to bed in the next few minutes (Yes, it IS still daylight!! haa haa)
Until next time...... find someone to fight for. Even if you are fighting your own battle; you can fight alongside someone else in theirs. If you are at a place where you just cannot fight WITH/FOR someone; then let them fight WITH/FOR YOU!!!! That is perfectly alright (so I'm told!! haa haa).
Hope your MOnday was a good one.... well, as good as Mondays can be!!
I returned to school today and had a really good day. Got lots of hugs, smiles and encouragement!! I was, however, VERY tired; but I'll go to bed very early tonight. Apparently, I am going back again tomorrow!! :)
Being my first day back, I left early for an appointment with the Plastic Surgeon. It was a really good visit. I still have the drain tube; but it isn't hurting/bothersome as much today. It will remain 'in' until the amount of fluid drops considerably.
She did remove the stitches from my incision. She was very thorough and sees NO signs of infection and is not expecting to, just making sure. She feels like we did the right thing, and I"m sure I agree with her! (Or, will eventually).
The really 'exciting' thing is: I don't have to see her again for TWO weeks!! I think this is the first time since mid February that I've not been every single week!!! YAY!! I do not have to make a trip to Atlanta in the middle of such the busy week next week with graduation activities!!
THANK YOU ALL for the prayers, words of encouragement and just loving me!! I am overwhelmed with the number of people who are fighting alongside me.
Please continue to pray for healing and good progress. This fluid NEEDS to slow WAY down before I can remove this drain tube, and THEN I think I will feel MUCH better!!
I also ask you continue to pray for my energy level!! I am 'plum tuckered' after the long day I've had, and will probably go to bed in the next few minutes (Yes, it IS still daylight!! haa haa)
Until next time...... find someone to fight for. Even if you are fighting your own battle; you can fight alongside someone else in theirs. If you are at a place where you just cannot fight WITH/FOR someone; then let them fight WITH/FOR YOU!!!! That is perfectly alright (so I'm told!! haa haa).
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