LAST CHEMO!!!!! WOOO HOOO........

Hey Everyone!!
Today is THE day!!  In just a few hours I will report for my LAST, yes I did say LAST chemo treatment!!  YIPEE!!!!!!!  I have wondered at times if this day would EVER come.  It has!!  One more day is His-story, I am counting on!!  


Please let me clarify the treatment from here.
 I will continue to take a drug at the chemo center that is called Herceptin.  It is an antibody that teaches my body to fight the protein my cancer fed off of.  I will do it the total of a year, and the beginning of March will mark that timeline.   It is a non-toxic drug and has no side effects, if I understand correctly.  Even if it does have them, they aren't nearly as bad as chemo!!  :0)


I will also have at least 2 more surgeries and many more appointments with the plastic surgeon. One surgery to replace the tissue expander that had to be removed.  The many appointments will be to fill the expanders.  The 2nd surgery will be to replace the temporary implants with the permanent ones.  These surgeries will depend on several factors.  


The first surgery has to wait until the fluid production issue has 'settled down' some.  (Yes.  I am STILL producing fluid in the left side; and the incision area has not stopped leaking.  In addition, I have sprung a new leak at the site where the drain tube was. This has just happened in the last couple of days.  Neither place has slowed down any, and actually has gotten worse.  I have an appointment this afternoon with the Plastic Surgeon.  HOPEFULLY, we can get some answers then.)


Hopefully, this last treatment will mean the worst is behind me.  The chemo causes my body to heal more slowly, therefore, I am in the boat I am in!  (Sometimes I think I am going to need a boat if I keep leaking/producing fluid!!)


I have several big questions for both the Oncologist and the Plastic surgeon today.


~THoughts on going for part of the week for our Youth Mission trip coming up.
~Can we PLEASE find out WHY (with nothing to aggravate) I keep producing/collecting/leaking fluid.  (So far, there has been no apparent cause, nor has she been able to see anything that would cause this)
~Can we go ahead and schedule surgery (even if we have to postpone, could we just get it on the schedule?)
~What did lab results show?


I am praying for BIG answers!!  (They are big questions... to me, at least!!)


I have become more and more discouraged the week as this fluid issue does not seem to resolve itself.  I have tried being still, doesn't help.  Tried being more active; doesn't help.  I have also been really sore; which hasn't happened in this area is quite some time!!  That is a little worrisome.  For once, I am praying the cause of all this trouble has been an infection.  That would at least be a reason, and hopefully, a solution!!  I'll hopefully find out later today.


As you know I've asked you to pray for several weeks (months?) for this fluid issue to be resolved 'immediately and permanently" and I've prayed the same thing.  Seems that our Father is being completely silent on this, and that is discouraging.  It can be very discouraging.... He knows my heart; He KNOWS my heart is with teenagers.... especially in the summer time!!  He knows I have tried to be still... both physically and before Him.  (Didn't say I'd done a good job; or that I've been still enough!!)  He knows that I have done what the doctors have said.  He knows I've been patient, for the most part (Who is patient 24/7?  I'd like to meet them!!  Apparently, I need some lessons!!!)  He knows these things, yet remains silent.


This can be confusing and frustrating!!  There are many verses that tell us to cry out to Him.  Bring our requests before Him with boldness (confidence).  Ask in His name. He will give us the desires of our heart.  I could go on.
~There are those who would try to convince me that my faith is not strong enough.  I don't believe that.  
~There are those who would try to tell me I'm not aligned with God's will for my life.  Not sure I would buy that, either.  (NOT that I am perfectly aligned (no one is)... and not that I'm perfect.  But, right now, in this situation, I have tried and believe I have aligned myself with my Father.)  ~There are those who would say that my issues are small, I shouldn't bother God with them.  Don't buy that.  He loves me and cares about the smallest detail in my life!  He knows how many hairs on my head (which right now ins't a real big number!! haahaa)


So, why the silence?  That is the confusing/frustrating part!!  I realize that by praying the right way, or saying the right things, or even having a heart after His own heart, is in no way obligating Him to answer me in my timing.  I am getting a huge lesson in "His ways are not my ways, and His timing is not mine!!"..... simple as that.  


Don't get me wrong.  I have seen Him work in MIGHTY ways.... He has protected my body in ways I will not know this side of Heaven.  I have gotten a glimpse of what some people have endured on the same chemo regimen I am on.  I have had it EASY compared to lots of people.  My blood counts have stayed good (relatively, compared to what they could have done).  I have had NO serious complications due to chemo.  I have been able to have each treatment on time and endured them fairly well.  Up until last week, there has been NO infection with this fluid issue.  (even with a compromised immune system)  I have not had to isolate myself due to low blood counts!!  (THank the LORD... I LOVE PEOPLE).  There was no cancer found in any of the lymph nodes at the time of surgery!! There is NO cancer in my body at this time!!  I have a great support system in my little family.  They have taken such good care of me, and at the same time been as 'normal" as possible!! (however normal that is with the MIllers) I am able to care for myself, even during chemo week (Chris doesn't let me much, but if I have to, I can!!)  I have SOOOO much to be thankful for, and I am so very thankful.  But, the specific thing I request.... silence.   Hmmmm.... that is about all I can say!!


I heard a very hard sermon on PATIENCE last night.... NOOOOO  NOT THE "P" WORD!!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!!  I HAVE been patient.  I haven't complained. (except a little here and there... but really, I haven't)  I have tried to be very careful to remember that God has already gone before me and KNOWS I"m gonna be alright; or the outcome of this stupid fluid thing. And, I do believe that with all my heart!!  I know that He is capable of doing what ever HE wants to.  I never asked him to take this cancer away so I wouldn't have to endure this, but told HIm it would be alright if HE wanted to, I knew He could.  When He didn't, I still trusted Him.  I've NEVER stopped trusting that He has this COMPLETELY under control.  But just when I am out of the "P" word.... He hits me with it?  So, now He decides to speak?  If you think God doesn't have a sense of humor... here is your proof!!  Haa haa....  Enough about that.  


Just before hearing this sermon.... I seemed to be prompted to make a list of emotions I've experienced in the last 7 months since this journey began.  I was a little surprised at the extent of the list.  I'll try to re-create it for you:
fear; doubt; joy; thankfulness; frustration; pain (emotional); lonliness; overwhelmed; humility; anger; denial; insecurity; disappointment; guilt      I'm sure there are more, but I can't think of them right now.  


I could explain situations for each of these on the list, but I would not dare bore you with that!!   


You may now ask this question.... "Does a Believer in Jesus REALLY experience this range of emotions and still say they are a Believer?"  My answer to that is ABSOLUTELY!!!!  THere are people all throughout the Bible that experienced these same things!!!  A few that come to mind are:  Moses; David; Job; The disciples; Paul; Jesus Esther; and the list could go on and on.  The Scriptures are full of them!!


So, my question is this:  Why, in todays American Christian society, do we convince ourselves that we aren't 'right' if we experience any of these 'negative' emotions?  And, for Heaven's sake, why do we teach others this?  It is simply stupid!!  We have convinced ourselves that we must NEVER question or feel negative emotions.  NOT TRUE... we are HUMAN!!  Where does the Bible teach that all Christians are to be emotionless people?  IT DOES NOT!!!  We have lost our ability to express emotions, therefore, we have lost our PASSION.  


Now, let me clarify.  I listed a whole range of emotions.  SOme positive, some negative.  I do NOT believe that we need to camp out with negative emotions!!  This can cause some real problems.  If you look thru the scriptures, these folks experienced some of these negative emotions, however, they didn't LIVE there!!!  There are also examples of those who did decide to live there.  (Of course, none of those names are coming to mind...)  I can tell you that I'm about 99.99% positive that those who decided to live in these negative emotions were NOT used in a mighty way by God!!  So it is a conscious choice we MUST make!!  Wallow in our self pity; or get up; brush ourself off and go on.  (and I believe this is a focus issue.  When we take the focus from us and our circumstances, and place it on the One and only Jesus Christ, it is hard to have such long term negative emotions!!)


Having said this, I will now say:  I think we are ALL passionate about something.  Some of us are passionate about our job; our kids; our toys; our social life and the list goes on.  Some are even passionate about wallowing in these negative emotions!!  What gets me is the fact that our churches are FILLED with people like this.  These people CLAIM to love Jesus and claim Him as their Savior, but live in defeat instead of victory.  There is a book that I will read soon, hopefully, entitled, "Christian Atheist"..... let that name sink in......  Our churches are FILLED with "Christians" who claim to know Christ but live as he doesn't exist.  IS THAT YOU???


When you say you believe Jesus is your savior, do you live it?  Do you take Him at His Word?  Start small.  He will prove Himself!!  Start right now!!  He is right there!!  What is one thing you want to believe Him for?  Do you really believe He wants what is best for you?  HE DOES!!  Do you really believe he doesn't understand what your suffering is like? Read about his crucifixion.


When I began this post, I talked about I felt God was being silent, and I still do.  Please do not misunderstand what I am saying.  Silent does NOT mean ABSENT.  I KNOW that my Jesus is with me. I know that the Comforter is interceding on my behalf.  I know that my Father IS the Great Physician and all He has to do is say the word, and I'm healed... just like that!!  I just know that there is not movement in the specific situation that is the biggest to me at this point.  THis does NOT mean He isn't working.  I AM believing HIM.  I am TRUSTING Him.  I am holding on to scriptures that He brings to mind.   He IS "I AM".... He is the way, the truth and the light.  He IS at work around me and in me.  There is NO doubt about and there never has been.  (The doubt I listed above had nothing to do with doubting who He is!!)


So, that was a lot to post.  Didn't mean for it to be so long, but I think it has been important.  My prayer for you this day is that no matter your circumstances; you will live like you KNOW Him. If you don't know Him, you can't live like you do!!  So, settle first things first. If you don't know Him and want to, send me a message.  We'll get that settled!!  (ckmiller5@gmail.com)


If you CLAIM to know Him, then Live like you do!!!  Find those promises.  Talk to Him.  TRUST him.  Let HIM be God and you be the child.  Let HIM be in control of those finances; jobs; family situations; diseases.  Doesn't mean you can't have those emotions I talked about. It DOES mean that no matter what, when the rubber meets the road, you TRUST him and let HIM be in control!!!!


I dare you....... 


And, I want to hear!!  What are you trusting HIm with today?  How has this challenged you?  Is this you I'm talking about? Are you the one living like you don't know HIm?  How has he shown himself mighty in your life?  What do you struggle with?  Are you living in a sea of negative emotions?