Hello all,
Just some thoughts about this particular summer.... First, let me tell you how my summer usually goes: Mission trip; Centrifuge; Family Vacation; gardening and just some heavy duty playing. Summertime usually is a busy, but very fun and refreshing time for me.
This year, summertime will be different!!
Physically, I don't think I will be strong enough to do the things I am used to doing. Still trying to decide what to do about the New Orleans trip; and know that Centrifuge (a Youth camp) will probably be out of the question. I know that physically, I must 'take care' of myself. But, what does that really mean? Does it mean sit out and miss the life that is going around me? Does it mean give in to a little tiredness? Does it mean if I feel like it GO? So much that is up in the air!!
Emotionally, it is very difficult for me to admit that I really probably will miss both trips this summer, along with gardening and the other things that we 'do' each year. We've been in Blairsville for 11 years.... and for 11 years I've gone on youth trips each summer. Even when the children were much smaller and it made sense to stay home, I went!!
This summer will also be different than any other because of this stupid battle with breast cancer. June 14, I will FINISH chemo!! (I will continue the drug Herceptin until March.) I also will (hopefully) have surgery the week of July 5. (THis will be to replace the tissue expander (implant) that had to be removed earlier). So, I have different things to tend to this year. Just not the things I'd LIKE to be tending to!!
On top of these things to ponder; I have begun collecting fluid on the same left side again. I have been drain tube free for 2 glorious weeks, and in just a few short days have begun to produce fluid again. Not sure what she (the dr.) will do about that, or how it will affect upcoming surgery. I have an appointment Monday, June 7. I'll know more then! I should also find out about surgery at this same appointment.
So.... I"m not quite sure what I am supposed to learn from all this. I have tried to be quiet; tried to listen; tried to do what I'm told. It seems that I have taken 2 steps forward and at least 3 steps back for quite some time!! And, basically, I am just ready for this to be OVER!!!!!
Please do not get me wrong. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am thankful!! This battle could be a LOT worse, and I realize that. I have not been sick; I have a very good prognosis; I have a great support system; the end is in sight (well, with chemo anyway); and many other things. I am very thankful and remind myself constantly of other battles I hear about that are much worse than mine!! But it is still discouraging sometimes.... and this happens to be one of those times.
So, let me encourage you to LIVE LIFE!! If you have an opportunity to do something... DO IT. You just never know if you will have another chance or not!! We are not promised tomorrow! It is easy to get caught up in the routine of 'life' but are we really living when we do that? When is the last time you decided to meet up with friends and not mow the yard? Or, what if your kids ask you to play a game... are you too busy? What about a trip you've been wanting to take? What is stopping you? Is there someone you are angry with? Do you remember why? How about stopping for no reason and getting an ice cream? WHy not? Dessert first? OF COURSE!!!
LIVE YOUR LIFE this week. Take your head out of the routine and do something out of the ordinary that is fun!! Life is too short not to!!!!!
Until next time.......
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
A Day of HISTORY....
Good evening everyone;
Just a quick update on the events of the day!!
Chemo #5 was today! That is significant because I now have ONLY ONE MORE.... so, Chemo #5 is HISTORY!!!! Yaayyyyy!!
I was talking to a friend at church yesterday telling her that I especially dreaded this round for some reason. Not sure why. Could be because the last one really got me... and they say it will get worse with each treatment. She said she is praying for me to be 'abnormal' (like I"m not already!!). She is praying for the treatments to become easier instead of harder on my body. She is praying for little to no side effects; and for speedy recovery.
Please join her!! There is a special event that I REALLLLYYYYY want to attend this weekend; and if this treatment is like the last one, I am so afraid I will miss it!!!!
Another exciting event today was that my drain tube also became HISTORY!!!! As you know, I've had leakage issues for a lot of the time since my surgery. I've had a drain tube for about a month. The fluid output has been very active; until the middle of last week, it began to slow down steadily. This morning before my dr. appointment, there was hardly any fluid output from over night. By the time I got to the doctor this afternoon, there wasn't hardly ANY fluid!!!! So; she removed the tube!! So; for the first time in a LONG while.... I am leak and tube FREEEEEE YAY!!!!!
My incision is healing well and the drain tube site seems to be doing well after the removal!!
Another exciting thing today is this: It seems that we are going to shoot for surgery the week of July 5. This will be to replace the tissue expander that had to be removed 3 weeks ago. AND (this is the exciting part)... she said there was no reason I couldn't go to the BEACH!!!!! YYYEEEE HAAAAAAA :)
As you can tell; things are doing/healing well. I go back in 2 weeks just for her to make sure there is no fluid building up, etc. After that, not real sure if I'll see her much before time for surgery.
Thank you, dear friends for your prayer support!! could not have made it this far without you!!
While we look at the word HISTORY as something that has happened in the past, and rightly so, we probably need to add a hyphen... HIS-STORY.... today has been a day of several HIS-STORIES.... Thank the LORD he is writing His story in my life!!!!
What story is HE writing in yours??? If he isn't; or you can't really tell, ask HIm!!
Until next time......
Just a quick update on the events of the day!!
Chemo #5 was today! That is significant because I now have ONLY ONE MORE.... so, Chemo #5 is HISTORY!!!! Yaayyyyy!!
I was talking to a friend at church yesterday telling her that I especially dreaded this round for some reason. Not sure why. Could be because the last one really got me... and they say it will get worse with each treatment. She said she is praying for me to be 'abnormal' (like I"m not already!!). She is praying for the treatments to become easier instead of harder on my body. She is praying for little to no side effects; and for speedy recovery.
Please join her!! There is a special event that I REALLLLYYYYY want to attend this weekend; and if this treatment is like the last one, I am so afraid I will miss it!!!!
Another exciting event today was that my drain tube also became HISTORY!!!! As you know, I've had leakage issues for a lot of the time since my surgery. I've had a drain tube for about a month. The fluid output has been very active; until the middle of last week, it began to slow down steadily. This morning before my dr. appointment, there was hardly any fluid output from over night. By the time I got to the doctor this afternoon, there wasn't hardly ANY fluid!!!! So; she removed the tube!! So; for the first time in a LONG while.... I am leak and tube FREEEEEE YAY!!!!!
My incision is healing well and the drain tube site seems to be doing well after the removal!!
Another exciting thing today is this: It seems that we are going to shoot for surgery the week of July 5. This will be to replace the tissue expander that had to be removed 3 weeks ago. AND (this is the exciting part)... she said there was no reason I couldn't go to the BEACH!!!!! YYYEEEE HAAAAAAA :)
As you can tell; things are doing/healing well. I go back in 2 weeks just for her to make sure there is no fluid building up, etc. After that, not real sure if I'll see her much before time for surgery.
Thank you, dear friends for your prayer support!! could not have made it this far without you!!
While we look at the word HISTORY as something that has happened in the past, and rightly so, we probably need to add a hyphen... HIS-STORY.... today has been a day of several HIS-STORIES.... Thank the LORD he is writing His story in my life!!!!
What story is HE writing in yours??? If he isn't; or you can't really tell, ask HIm!!
Until next time......
Monday, May 10, 2010
Update from DR Visit, and stuff
Good evening everyone,
Hope your MOnday was a good one.... well, as good as Mondays can be!!
I returned to school today and had a really good day. Got lots of hugs, smiles and encouragement!! I was, however, VERY tired; but I'll go to bed very early tonight. Apparently, I am going back again tomorrow!! :)
Being my first day back, I left early for an appointment with the Plastic Surgeon. It was a really good visit. I still have the drain tube; but it isn't hurting/bothersome as much today. It will remain 'in' until the amount of fluid drops considerably.
She did remove the stitches from my incision. She was very thorough and sees NO signs of infection and is not expecting to, just making sure. She feels like we did the right thing, and I"m sure I agree with her! (Or, will eventually).
The really 'exciting' thing is: I don't have to see her again for TWO weeks!! I think this is the first time since mid February that I've not been every single week!!! YAY!! I do not have to make a trip to Atlanta in the middle of such the busy week next week with graduation activities!!
THANK YOU ALL for the prayers, words of encouragement and just loving me!! I am overwhelmed with the number of people who are fighting alongside me.
Please continue to pray for healing and good progress. This fluid NEEDS to slow WAY down before I can remove this drain tube, and THEN I think I will feel MUCH better!!
I also ask you continue to pray for my energy level!! I am 'plum tuckered' after the long day I've had, and will probably go to bed in the next few minutes (Yes, it IS still daylight!! haa haa)
Until next time...... find someone to fight for. Even if you are fighting your own battle; you can fight alongside someone else in theirs. If you are at a place where you just cannot fight WITH/FOR someone; then let them fight WITH/FOR YOU!!!! That is perfectly alright (so I'm told!! haa haa).
Hope your MOnday was a good one.... well, as good as Mondays can be!!
I returned to school today and had a really good day. Got lots of hugs, smiles and encouragement!! I was, however, VERY tired; but I'll go to bed very early tonight. Apparently, I am going back again tomorrow!! :)
Being my first day back, I left early for an appointment with the Plastic Surgeon. It was a really good visit. I still have the drain tube; but it isn't hurting/bothersome as much today. It will remain 'in' until the amount of fluid drops considerably.
She did remove the stitches from my incision. She was very thorough and sees NO signs of infection and is not expecting to, just making sure. She feels like we did the right thing, and I"m sure I agree with her! (Or, will eventually).
The really 'exciting' thing is: I don't have to see her again for TWO weeks!! I think this is the first time since mid February that I've not been every single week!!! YAY!! I do not have to make a trip to Atlanta in the middle of such the busy week next week with graduation activities!!
THANK YOU ALL for the prayers, words of encouragement and just loving me!! I am overwhelmed with the number of people who are fighting alongside me.
Please continue to pray for healing and good progress. This fluid NEEDS to slow WAY down before I can remove this drain tube, and THEN I think I will feel MUCH better!!
I also ask you continue to pray for my energy level!! I am 'plum tuckered' after the long day I've had, and will probably go to bed in the next few minutes (Yes, it IS still daylight!! haa haa)
Until next time...... find someone to fight for. Even if you are fighting your own battle; you can fight alongside someone else in theirs. If you are at a place where you just cannot fight WITH/FOR someone; then let them fight WITH/FOR YOU!!!! That is perfectly alright (so I'm told!! haa haa).
Happy Mother's Day
Good evening, all. Wanted to take just a minute and blog just a bit. First, for all of you who are Mothers.... Happy MOther's Day to you. I hope it has been quite the special day for you! My family made it really nice for me!! I do not deserve such wonderful children!! WOW. God was showing off when He made them!!! Since my last post on the Warrior; this subject has overtaken my mind. I have always been fascinated with the passage in Ephesians 6 where Paul describes in detail for us the Armour of God. And, I thought I kind of had a grasp on it. I'm finding out, I do NOT!! The picture that has stayed with me from this passage is one of gory; bloody; hard; adrenaline rushing battle. Much like you would see in the movie "300" or at the end of the CS Lewis movie (cannot think of the name of it to save my life right now... chemo brain, haa haa). Those not fun for me to watch and are quite intense!! I'd rather watch something light and funny!! As I posted before, we are assured we are not in battle alone! We have many others fighting alongside us in many different ways. However, think about those battles.... (IN the movies).... it might seem like everyone is tied up in a battle of their own; or it might seem there is little communication; or it might even seem you are lost in the crowd. Rest assured; this is NOT the case!! These warriors are rolling up sleeves and fighting FOR YOU. That is the truest picture of intercession, I think. What happens though, when the battle plan changes? Retreat? Stop the fighting? Quit? Plan B? Maybe all of these!! What I am coming to realize is this: My WAR is still on. Several battles within the war have already been won (surgery; chemo; timing of things; protection; a healthy body to begin with, etc). At this point in my War, however, things have taken a different turn than expected. I wrote about this last time. SO~friends.... it is time for ME to regroup then communicate to my fellow warriors. Perhaps this is what God is teaching me.... we are still fighting the same War (stupid cancer/chemo) but the battle plan has not been written in stone, or it wasn't as simple as I first thought. So, here are the things that I battle.... If you care to join me in this 'newest' development of this adventure; there is a 'new plan ahead'..... ~The removal of my tissue expander has really thrown me for a loop. I now it is for the best in the long run; but I've just plain had a hard time with it. ~Chemo kicked my butt this time!! I'm SO not wanting to do 2 more treatments!! ~I know God IS in control and knows that these plans He has will not harm me (Jer. 29:11) BUT, I've still had a tough week. ~Many people ask, "How are you?" and I give Sunday School answers. "Fine" or "alright" seem to be the choice ones. Really..... I feel awful. I'm tired; I"m discouraged; I am feeling more defeated right now than I have in a very long time!! ~I still have a drain tube that has given me FITS this week. It has been sore and aggravated, and I am still producing a lot of fluid (remember, this was the problem to begin with!!). PLEASE PRAY FOR HEALING... IMMEDIATE; COMPLETE AND PERMANENT Healing in this area!!! ~I have to return to school tomorrow. I want to go back. But, I am kind of between a rock and hard place; and not sure I like those spots. ~I haven't been very transparent about my discouragement, and I apologize to you for that. (I promised I would, remember?) ~Did I mention that I have the most wonderful children in the world? Our oldest graduates in two weeks. Might be having a hard time with that.... ok, I AM. (Hee hee. I"m sure none of you understand that!!) Now. I dump all this out so that you have a better picture of the current battle (I say that because Wars are made of Battles). Currently; I feel that I'm being beat to a pulp and not so sure it is not my own fault!! Sorry. This wasn't the most encouraging/inspirational post to date. But, the purpose of this is to help you follow my progress, or lack of. Honesty is important (not that I've NOT been honest. I have. Just haven't been brutally so....) I will see the Plastic Surgeon again tomorrow. A little concerned about the visit due to the continued fluid output. Concerned about returning to school with a stupid drain tube. concerned about my energy/stamina levels over the next 2 weeks. Important events going on... Thank you, fellow warriors. I wish I had stronger words than, "Thank you'..... those two seem so feeble at this point. Until next time.....
Monday, May 3, 2010
Signs of a Warrior
I have often said I am at battle. A stronger word for that is war. I find myself feeling like that more and more. Webster defines warrior as: "One who is engaged aggressively or energetically in an activity, cause, or conflict. "
This so describes this season of my life!! Everywhere I turn, I feel I am literally fighting for something. Mostly health related, but other areas as well.
Those of us who are Bible readers see that there are great battles and wars contained within those pages from beginning to end. The world has never been without war!!
Personal warfare seems to be a little different than having an army to fight alongside you.... or is it really?
What makes a good warrior? What traits must be present? What is the character of an effective warrior? Is it an honor to be called warrior? Are you a good warrior? Am I?
I do not have the answers to all those questions, but I will tell you what I've learned. Then, I will give you a brief update from my appointments today!
A while back I was listening to a bible study on this subject. I'd always heard about 'personal battles' but this kind of put it in a different light.
Did you ever realize that:
~ A warrior must exhibit courage. Courage seems to be the lack of fear to some, but really it is acting in spite of our fear. (Just think how scary it would be to enter into battle during Biblical times!!!)
~ A warrior in Bible times would bring back the shield used to present to the king. This shield was most likely a big piece of wood, much like a modern day door. It was used to collect and shield the soldier/warrior from the firey darts aimed at his body. So, the ones who would present the king with a scarred shield showed they were really involved in the battle. The ones who presented these scarred shield were held in higher esteem than those who had no scarring on their shield! It really was looked at with shame to present the king with an unscathed shield. Let that one sink in!!
~ Much like a warrior of Biblical times, we also enter into battle upon occasion. Our battle looks much different, however, the principal is still the same! We have a shield. Ephesians 6 outlines the Armor of God; and part of that is the Shield of Faith. Which means when we ARE in battle, this shield will bear the brunt of the firey darts the Enemy fires our way. Also, just as the soldiers of old, we must present our shield to the King. What if we have an 'empty' shield to present. What does that tell Him about our faith? Were we actually engaged in this battle, or did we hide?
From another recent sermon I heard, I learned that (well, I was reminded) life is risky! Because of the sin of Adam and Eve; just living has turned out to be risky. In this sermon, the point was that we have become a bunch of pansy Christians that avoid risk at all cost. But, we were NOT CALLED to do this. This is why we have so many unhappy Christians in the world. Those people we read about in the Bible risked it all to follow our Savior, and we risk close to nothing. Everything worth doing involves risk of some kind. So, when we risk nothing, we collect no firey darts, therefore have an empty shield to present to our King. What a shame!!
In my particular case, I must decide if I am willing to risk stepping out on a limb and trusting (excercizing my faith) and collecting the firey darts that seem to be in rapid fire headed toward me!! OR, do I risk nothing and run from the opportunity to grow in my walk with Him? Collect the darts, or run from them! That is the choice we have each day!!
There is another verse that I've been reminded of and it says: Galatians 6:2
Being a follower of Christ doesn't just mean having your own spiritual burden lifted from your shoulders by Christ. It means actively seeking out those who need help, and shouldering their burdens with them. Service to others is a critical part of the Christian faith. (NIV)
This so describes this season of my life!! Everywhere I turn, I feel I am literally fighting for something. Mostly health related, but other areas as well.
Those of us who are Bible readers see that there are great battles and wars contained within those pages from beginning to end. The world has never been without war!!
Personal warfare seems to be a little different than having an army to fight alongside you.... or is it really?
What makes a good warrior? What traits must be present? What is the character of an effective warrior? Is it an honor to be called warrior? Are you a good warrior? Am I?
I do not have the answers to all those questions, but I will tell you what I've learned. Then, I will give you a brief update from my appointments today!
A while back I was listening to a bible study on this subject. I'd always heard about 'personal battles' but this kind of put it in a different light.
Did you ever realize that:
~ A warrior must exhibit courage. Courage seems to be the lack of fear to some, but really it is acting in spite of our fear. (Just think how scary it would be to enter into battle during Biblical times!!!)
~ A warrior in Bible times would bring back the shield used to present to the king. This shield was most likely a big piece of wood, much like a modern day door. It was used to collect and shield the soldier/warrior from the firey darts aimed at his body. So, the ones who would present the king with a scarred shield showed they were really involved in the battle. The ones who presented these scarred shield were held in higher esteem than those who had no scarring on their shield! It really was looked at with shame to present the king with an unscathed shield. Let that one sink in!!
~ Much like a warrior of Biblical times, we also enter into battle upon occasion. Our battle looks much different, however, the principal is still the same! We have a shield. Ephesians 6 outlines the Armor of God; and part of that is the Shield of Faith. Which means when we ARE in battle, this shield will bear the brunt of the firey darts the Enemy fires our way. Also, just as the soldiers of old, we must present our shield to the King. What if we have an 'empty' shield to present. What does that tell Him about our faith? Were we actually engaged in this battle, or did we hide?
From another recent sermon I heard, I learned that (well, I was reminded) life is risky! Because of the sin of Adam and Eve; just living has turned out to be risky. In this sermon, the point was that we have become a bunch of pansy Christians that avoid risk at all cost. But, we were NOT CALLED to do this. This is why we have so many unhappy Christians in the world. Those people we read about in the Bible risked it all to follow our Savior, and we risk close to nothing. Everything worth doing involves risk of some kind. So, when we risk nothing, we collect no firey darts, therefore have an empty shield to present to our King. What a shame!!
In my particular case, I must decide if I am willing to risk stepping out on a limb and trusting (excercizing my faith) and collecting the firey darts that seem to be in rapid fire headed toward me!! OR, do I risk nothing and run from the opportunity to grow in my walk with Him? Collect the darts, or run from them! That is the choice we have each day!!
There is another verse that I've been reminded of and it says: Galatians 6:2
Being a follower of Christ doesn't just mean having your own spiritual burden lifted from your shoulders by Christ. It means actively seeking out those who need help, and shouldering their burdens with them. Service to others is a critical part of the Christian faith. (NIV)
This is huge!! In warrior language: This means that I am NOT in battle alone, and neither are you!! WOW!!! This service comes in many different forms. It could be bringing a meal (which so many have done); it could be carting me to and from appointments (which many have braved); it could be kind words of encouragement (which so many of you have done); it could be distracting me from the 'junk' that goes with this with a laugh; it could be prayer (which SO many of you have done); it could be sweeping my floor (which has been done, and continually is done); it could be loving on my family; it could be smiling; it could be treating me 'normally'; it could be planting flowers in my yard so that I can be reminded of what wonderful friends I have; it could be a card in the mail or it could be none of these things!! It does NOT mean that EVERYONE has to 'serve me'.... it means that you must SEEK what the Lord wants of you and be obedient!
Basically, this means that with anyone you meet.... you must form some type of relationship so that you are aware of the battle/war this person is facing and then help them fight it!!! For each battle this will look different. And, it involves risk on your part!! Are you willing to risk getting to know someone? Are you willing to risk your time in order to serve them? Are you willing to risk really knowing what it means to serve them? What exactly are you willing to risk? And, what is the pay off for you? Coming closer to Christ!! Sounds like a win/win situation to me!!!
So, this is what I am basically saying here:
~You will be at war at some point. WHen you are, your responsibility is to collect the firey darts!! when you aren't, your responsiblity is to shoulder the burden alongside those you know are in battle!!
~It involves risk.
~The payoff is so worth it. My opinion is that this is the abundant life that Jesus came to give us. (I come to give you life, and life abundantly. John 10:10)
So, let this soak in. "Smoke on it" as Chris would say then, ask how that looks in your life!!!!
Here is the update from today's appointments:
~ Chemo #4 is history!! 2 treatements to do. Something like June 14 is my LAST scheduled treatment!!!! YEEE HAAA~ (there is another drug that I will take until the first of March next year, however, it is not a 'toxic' drug and has no side effects!! Just extra 'insurance')
~Plastic surgeon appointment went ok. I did not get the results that I wanted, but I am on the way to healing! Because of the difficulties with the leaky incision and the drain tube; the decision was made that the expander (implant) had to come out. This procedure was done in the office and I am in no pain. This will allow this area to heal completely and wholly. After I am finished with Chemo, she will put this expander (implant) back in and we'll start from square one. This will put me about 5 months behind and that is not the end of the world, but I was so hoping to have this whole process finished by this time!! She still is unsure why this has happened, and really has done everything she knows to do (the doctor, I mean). She, too, was frustrated and apologized, but is concerned for my health and well being and in the long run, this is the best decision.
I am having a hard time with this; and will adjust to the even further changes in my body. But, am still trying to get my head wrapped around all this. It caught me off guard today, for some reason. (I knew this would be the next step IF this other stuff didn't work, just didn't expect it today!!)
~My blood counts were good this morning, and my 'borderline' anemic status is improving.
Thank you all for your prayers and continued support in this war. Most of all, thank you for fighting with me.
Until next time.....
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Rough Couple of Weeks....
Good evening everyone.
When I started this blog; it was for the purpose of keeping you updated, and I've not done a good job of doing that lately! So, hang on for the ride. This is a lot of info; and hopefully you will see why I've chosen this title for this post. Having said this: Please be assured that I have never lost sight that God is in control and He has been before me. And, having said that; hopefully you will see/understand how even in the sight of that I could be a little discouraged!
On the day of my last chemo (April 19) I had a plastic surgeon appointment. As many of you are aware; I have had a 'leaky' incision for about 2 months. This has caused my incision to be hindered in the healing process because it could not stay dry in order to heal correctly. Therefore, she (the dr.) inserted a drain tube so that my incision could heal properly and the fluid could drain properly. She also told me the only other thing she knew of to do if this doesn't work is to remove the expander (implant), let my body heal completely and start all over. (WHich is NOT what I want!!!)
Usually in 4-5 days, I am 'over' chemo and feeling more like myself; but not this time. I was feeling good enough by Saturday to take prom pictures; but it wore me out!! (SO that was NOT my normal self!!) Come to find out, I had Thrush. Each time I have had chemo, I have gotten thrush (a yeast infection that is caused by the 'good' bacteria being stripped from my mouth/esophogus/stomach) I have pills and mouth swish and apparently started taking it too soon or something (Will ask next chemo visit). I never had the same symptoms I had previously, so I didn't realize thrush was rearing its ugly head!!
The following WEdnesday (10 days from chemo); I had a fever after church of almost 102!! No other signs of infection!! The PS office didn't seem alarmed because of the answers we gave to their questions. The oncologist office said it was probably thrush, go ahead and start with another round of the pills. (So, I gladly did in order to get rid of it!!)
The following Friday; my friend Jenny and I spent the night out of town getting ready for a Beth Moore conference at Woodstock FBC. We were both so excited!! As we got ourselves ready for bed that night, I noticed I had much redness, swelling and 'temperature' around my previously leaky incision!! Cause for alarm!! Some of the questions I'd been asked by the PS office were showing up now. I knew I had an appointment the coming Monday so I watched it carefully and it never got worse and even got some better.
I still, at this point, had not 'bounced back' from chemo. I was still very tired and just could not seem to have any energy.
On Monday I had my weekly blood check at the oncology office. This report showed that I was borderline anemic! So, that explained the tired/no energy!! (WHich made me feel better that there was a reason!) They will check again tomorrow (monday, 5/3) and if I have dropped (red blood count) they will talk about giving me a shot to boost this number. On this same day, the plastic surgeon reported everything was looking GREAT. There was still a bit of redness (which I was WAY worried about); but there were NO SIGNS of infection!! This was truly an answered prayer. I was convinced I might have a few days with some IV antibiotics, but God was thinking otherwise!!! She was happy to see a dry incision (first time in a couple of months) and fluid draining away from incision. Very good report, and a very happy me!!
This past WEdnesday; something happened (still don't know what) and the stitched part of my incision bled (enough to soak thru 2 shirts). Hasn't bled since and the more I look at it, the more I think I've opened it back up some how. From WEdnesday until Saturday it remained dry, but began leaking fluid again on Saturday afternoon!!
Overnight at some point on Friday night, my drain tube worked its way out and stopped pulling the fluid correctly. We called a nurse friend who came early Saturday a.m. and was able to feed it back in and tape it with steri-strips. So far (this is Sunday p.m.) it has stayed in place and continued to pull fluid as it is supposed to. However, my incision continues to leak (again). I have an appointment with the plastic surgeon. I am so hoping that she can do something to either close the incision or fix it somehow. I am also hoping she can stitch the drain tube back into place without starting all over (that was a painful process!!)
One of my posts, I talked about transparency and about you can't really be transparent without a light source behind the 'subject'! I am afraid I've not been quite the transparent one lately. I keep thinking 'things' are gonna get better; and that it could be MUCH worse (which it could). I have not allowed my friends to be in on this with me. I have told myself from the very beginning of this journey that mine is nothing compared to some people's journey!! This is very true, but I've come to the conclusion that this is MY journey and I'm having a hard time!!
As the 'plan' was... I should have been getting ready to schedule surgery #2 to get my permanent implants and get on the road to healing. As it stands, I've not been able to progress toward this goal in over 2 months!! This frustrates me a lot!!
I also will be returning to work a week from now. This concerns me a little given the last 2-3 weeks of 'progress'~ but if I don't return to work, I'll be docked and total, that will be about 20 days worth of pay. Not a good thing to miss that many days of pay!!
I am concerned that my incision is leaking again and frustrated because it doesn't matter what I do; I cannot seem to heal!!
I am concerned that my next chemo is tomorrow (monday) and I'm really not 'over' the last one and all the other 'excitement.'
I am concerned that I am just having a hard time emotionally.... and don't like it. I know I am human and all that.... but really.... being down in the dumps and whining is NOT going to help!! But, that seems to be where I am at this point.... Quite discouraged!!
So, as I update you all; I also ask you to pray for these issues I've spelled out. I really NEED to be more healed than I am. In just three short weeks, my oldest graduates. This will be a VERY BUSY time, and I SO want to enjoy these events with him. He does not deserve to celebrate and me not be there to celebrate with him!!!
Thank you, friends. Sorry this post has been so long, and if you've made it to this point, I appreciate your continued support, prayer and friendship!!
I will try to update tomorrow after my Plastic Surgeon appointment.....
Until then.......
When I started this blog; it was for the purpose of keeping you updated, and I've not done a good job of doing that lately! So, hang on for the ride. This is a lot of info; and hopefully you will see why I've chosen this title for this post. Having said this: Please be assured that I have never lost sight that God is in control and He has been before me. And, having said that; hopefully you will see/understand how even in the sight of that I could be a little discouraged!
On the day of my last chemo (April 19) I had a plastic surgeon appointment. As many of you are aware; I have had a 'leaky' incision for about 2 months. This has caused my incision to be hindered in the healing process because it could not stay dry in order to heal correctly. Therefore, she (the dr.) inserted a drain tube so that my incision could heal properly and the fluid could drain properly. She also told me the only other thing she knew of to do if this doesn't work is to remove the expander (implant), let my body heal completely and start all over. (WHich is NOT what I want!!!)
Usually in 4-5 days, I am 'over' chemo and feeling more like myself; but not this time. I was feeling good enough by Saturday to take prom pictures; but it wore me out!! (SO that was NOT my normal self!!) Come to find out, I had Thrush. Each time I have had chemo, I have gotten thrush (a yeast infection that is caused by the 'good' bacteria being stripped from my mouth/esophogus/stomach) I have pills and mouth swish and apparently started taking it too soon or something (Will ask next chemo visit). I never had the same symptoms I had previously, so I didn't realize thrush was rearing its ugly head!!
The following WEdnesday (10 days from chemo); I had a fever after church of almost 102!! No other signs of infection!! The PS office didn't seem alarmed because of the answers we gave to their questions. The oncologist office said it was probably thrush, go ahead and start with another round of the pills. (So, I gladly did in order to get rid of it!!)
The following Friday; my friend Jenny and I spent the night out of town getting ready for a Beth Moore conference at Woodstock FBC. We were both so excited!! As we got ourselves ready for bed that night, I noticed I had much redness, swelling and 'temperature' around my previously leaky incision!! Cause for alarm!! Some of the questions I'd been asked by the PS office were showing up now. I knew I had an appointment the coming Monday so I watched it carefully and it never got worse and even got some better.
I still, at this point, had not 'bounced back' from chemo. I was still very tired and just could not seem to have any energy.
On Monday I had my weekly blood check at the oncology office. This report showed that I was borderline anemic! So, that explained the tired/no energy!! (WHich made me feel better that there was a reason!) They will check again tomorrow (monday, 5/3) and if I have dropped (red blood count) they will talk about giving me a shot to boost this number. On this same day, the plastic surgeon reported everything was looking GREAT. There was still a bit of redness (which I was WAY worried about); but there were NO SIGNS of infection!! This was truly an answered prayer. I was convinced I might have a few days with some IV antibiotics, but God was thinking otherwise!!! She was happy to see a dry incision (first time in a couple of months) and fluid draining away from incision. Very good report, and a very happy me!!
This past WEdnesday; something happened (still don't know what) and the stitched part of my incision bled (enough to soak thru 2 shirts). Hasn't bled since and the more I look at it, the more I think I've opened it back up some how. From WEdnesday until Saturday it remained dry, but began leaking fluid again on Saturday afternoon!!
Overnight at some point on Friday night, my drain tube worked its way out and stopped pulling the fluid correctly. We called a nurse friend who came early Saturday a.m. and was able to feed it back in and tape it with steri-strips. So far (this is Sunday p.m.) it has stayed in place and continued to pull fluid as it is supposed to. However, my incision continues to leak (again). I have an appointment with the plastic surgeon. I am so hoping that she can do something to either close the incision or fix it somehow. I am also hoping she can stitch the drain tube back into place without starting all over (that was a painful process!!)
One of my posts, I talked about transparency and about you can't really be transparent without a light source behind the 'subject'! I am afraid I've not been quite the transparent one lately. I keep thinking 'things' are gonna get better; and that it could be MUCH worse (which it could). I have not allowed my friends to be in on this with me. I have told myself from the very beginning of this journey that mine is nothing compared to some people's journey!! This is very true, but I've come to the conclusion that this is MY journey and I'm having a hard time!!
As the 'plan' was... I should have been getting ready to schedule surgery #2 to get my permanent implants and get on the road to healing. As it stands, I've not been able to progress toward this goal in over 2 months!! This frustrates me a lot!!
I also will be returning to work a week from now. This concerns me a little given the last 2-3 weeks of 'progress'~ but if I don't return to work, I'll be docked and total, that will be about 20 days worth of pay. Not a good thing to miss that many days of pay!!
I am concerned that my incision is leaking again and frustrated because it doesn't matter what I do; I cannot seem to heal!!
I am concerned that my next chemo is tomorrow (monday) and I'm really not 'over' the last one and all the other 'excitement.'
I am concerned that I am just having a hard time emotionally.... and don't like it. I know I am human and all that.... but really.... being down in the dumps and whining is NOT going to help!! But, that seems to be where I am at this point.... Quite discouraged!!
So, as I update you all; I also ask you to pray for these issues I've spelled out. I really NEED to be more healed than I am. In just three short weeks, my oldest graduates. This will be a VERY BUSY time, and I SO want to enjoy these events with him. He does not deserve to celebrate and me not be there to celebrate with him!!!
Thank you, friends. Sorry this post has been so long, and if you've made it to this point, I appreciate your continued support, prayer and friendship!!
I will try to update tomorrow after my Plastic Surgeon appointment.....
Until then.......
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Just some thoughts....
What a fun day this has been for the kids in Union County!! PROM DAY 2010~
The weather has been beautiful; there has been enough 'warm' in the air for a hint of spring, but not too hot!! Just beautiful (and everything was such a nice shade of green, thanks to the pollen)~
All day, I've kept thinking about this particular day.... Senior Prom; 2010. I really had some grand plans for this day, as this is my oldest child's prom. Right around the corner; he'll be looking back on this day as a distant memory. Many of you know, I am a teacher at the high school, which 'allows' me to chaperone such events!! I had already planned (long ago) to volunteer, and if I happened to have my camera; I might snap a few pics~ (Those of you who know me well are falling out of your chair laughing. There is no such thing as "happening' to snap a 'few' pics in our family!!)
Obviously, because of other plans, my plans for this day were put on the back burner. I haven't returned to school yet; chemo this week has made me a little more tired than the others; and I just didn't feel like going. So, I've been mad all day about the fact that I wanted to be there so badly but couldn't.
As the day wore on and more Prom events were approaching and then gone; I really wasn't sure exactly why I was having all these stupid emotions.
Then, I got a text.... a good one. My son and his date were voted Prom King and Queen!! Whew!! And, I missed it!!!
After this; my anger just seemed to go away. Not really sure why. I had already been kind of thinking about how fortunate we have been to raise our kids in the best place on earth; how good it feels to be able to trust our children when they tell us something; how beautiful our children are...... been thinking about those things a lot. I also, throughout the day, was thinking how unfair our 'situation' has been for them.
HOWEVER, I've come to the conclusion that we are all better for it. On Facebook recently I asked the question (something like): "Is Brokenness necessary for growth?" In our situation; the brokenness that we have experienced as a family has allowed us to grow in such a way we never would have otherwise! We are closer; we laugh at little things more; we take care of each other and above all, we are more sure now than ever that God is faithful! You see, my children needed to see what it looks like to be broken before God. And, He has chosen me to help them with that. (DOn't you wish He didn't trust you so much sometimes?)
As I sat and waited on our son to return home safe and sound, I began feeling sad for the parents that DON'T have the blessings I have. I felt sad that perhaps there might be some mama that was pacing the floor wondering what kind of antics her child was into. Felt sad that there was a daughter that didn't get the approval of her father before leaving with her date (and the consequences that could follow). Felt sad for the parents who perhaps would get 'that' phone call.....
So~ as you can tell; this has been such an emotional roller coaster kind of a day. I'm so thankful tomorrow is Sunday... the day of rest!!
Not really sure why I felt the need to spill all this out, but perhaps someone will benefit from it.....
~If you have plans; don't write them in stone. Our Father just might have other plans. THis happens to the best of us, and it doesn't really matter how carefully you plan. Things change. The thing I had to remind myself of today is this: When I stop trying to tell Him how to run my life, things go a lot better!!!
~Being angry doesn't really help a lot. Just gives you wrinkles!!
~It's ok to be angry for a little bit. Just don't set up camp there. Once you camp there, it is quite the difficult task to pack that tent away.
~Find something to be thankful for!!! Sometimes that is HARD; but it can be done!!!!
I am going to attempt to post a couple of pics here. This afternoon; the hammock came out of hiding for the season, and all three kids piled up and had the best time!!!
Until next time......
The weather has been beautiful; there has been enough 'warm' in the air for a hint of spring, but not too hot!! Just beautiful (and everything was such a nice shade of green, thanks to the pollen)~
All day, I've kept thinking about this particular day.... Senior Prom; 2010. I really had some grand plans for this day, as this is my oldest child's prom. Right around the corner; he'll be looking back on this day as a distant memory. Many of you know, I am a teacher at the high school, which 'allows' me to chaperone such events!! I had already planned (long ago) to volunteer, and if I happened to have my camera; I might snap a few pics~ (Those of you who know me well are falling out of your chair laughing. There is no such thing as "happening' to snap a 'few' pics in our family!!)
Obviously, because of other plans, my plans for this day were put on the back burner. I haven't returned to school yet; chemo this week has made me a little more tired than the others; and I just didn't feel like going. So, I've been mad all day about the fact that I wanted to be there so badly but couldn't.
As the day wore on and more Prom events were approaching and then gone; I really wasn't sure exactly why I was having all these stupid emotions.
Then, I got a text.... a good one. My son and his date were voted Prom King and Queen!! Whew!! And, I missed it!!!
After this; my anger just seemed to go away. Not really sure why. I had already been kind of thinking about how fortunate we have been to raise our kids in the best place on earth; how good it feels to be able to trust our children when they tell us something; how beautiful our children are...... been thinking about those things a lot. I also, throughout the day, was thinking how unfair our 'situation' has been for them.
HOWEVER, I've come to the conclusion that we are all better for it. On Facebook recently I asked the question (something like): "Is Brokenness necessary for growth?" In our situation; the brokenness that we have experienced as a family has allowed us to grow in such a way we never would have otherwise! We are closer; we laugh at little things more; we take care of each other and above all, we are more sure now than ever that God is faithful! You see, my children needed to see what it looks like to be broken before God. And, He has chosen me to help them with that. (DOn't you wish He didn't trust you so much sometimes?)
As I sat and waited on our son to return home safe and sound, I began feeling sad for the parents that DON'T have the blessings I have. I felt sad that perhaps there might be some mama that was pacing the floor wondering what kind of antics her child was into. Felt sad that there was a daughter that didn't get the approval of her father before leaving with her date (and the consequences that could follow). Felt sad for the parents who perhaps would get 'that' phone call.....
So~ as you can tell; this has been such an emotional roller coaster kind of a day. I'm so thankful tomorrow is Sunday... the day of rest!!
Not really sure why I felt the need to spill all this out, but perhaps someone will benefit from it.....
~If you have plans; don't write them in stone. Our Father just might have other plans. THis happens to the best of us, and it doesn't really matter how carefully you plan. Things change. The thing I had to remind myself of today is this: When I stop trying to tell Him how to run my life, things go a lot better!!!
~Being angry doesn't really help a lot. Just gives you wrinkles!!
~It's ok to be angry for a little bit. Just don't set up camp there. Once you camp there, it is quite the difficult task to pack that tent away.
~Find something to be thankful for!!! Sometimes that is HARD; but it can be done!!!!
I am going to attempt to post a couple of pics here. This afternoon; the hammock came out of hiding for the season, and all three kids piled up and had the best time!!!
Until next time......
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